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Joke of the Day

"4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you? Me: Marriage is complicated. 4: Is it because you're stupid?"

"""Lights on, or lights off?"" he asked me. I said, ""Just give me the prostate exam, please."""

"Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy."

"Why doesn't, ""I have a headache!"" work for when I don't want to mow the yard?"

"Why did we use guns in world war 2 against the Germans? We could've used Frebreze, it kills 99.99% of germs anyways."

"If only life could be like the movies!* *i.e., every time someone gets a nosebleed it means they'll be dead soon"

"Who do you call when your wheelchair gets a flat? Cripple A."

"[NSFW] I was walking home when I heard a homeless guy yell .. I was walking home when I heard a drunk homeless guy yell -"" You motherfucker , your daughter is your sister"""

"Weird how it's always the women with multiple muffin tops wearing the tightest tank tops money can buy"

"Romantic first date idea: get too nervous beforehand and drive your car into a river"