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Joke of the Day

"My friend was like ""hey bring some cd's to listen to on the trip"" and I was like ""where are we going, 2001?"""

"What do you say when you wake up in the middle of the night and your TV is floating? ""Man, wall mounts are awesome."""

"I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I'm reading her Hugh Jackman's autobiography."

"What do you call a British circle jerk? A Union Jack."

"NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money"

"Have you seen stieve wonders house? -niether did he"

"*4YO and I slo-mo run towards each other* 4: I didn't pee the bed daddy! Me: Me neither! *big hug* It was a big night for both of us."

"North Korea declares war."

"What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing...They're both stuck up cunts."

"Just got back from my secret society meeting. I'm really pleased with next year's Golden Globe winners."