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Joke of the Day

"First date: [ok, don't let her know you're a cop] Her: do you come here often? Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*"

"Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I'm guessing it's because the other fifty percent can't afford lawyers."

"A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter's school concert."

"All dogs go to heaven... But all snakes are athe-hissssssssssts"

"Where do you find a dog that has no legs? Right where you left them."

"You know you're getting old when ... the doctor tells you to slow down and the cops tell you to speed up."

"I don't mind hopping on the bandwagon every once in a while, but seriously, it's 2010. Buy a fucking car already."

"My 2-year-old ate the crust off her pizza but left the cheese and pepperoni untouched. Apparently I'm raising the Antichrist."

"You've been warned TO WHOEVER STOLE MY BROKEN BATHROOM SCALE. YOU WON'T GET A WEIGH WITH THIS!"

"Thank Satan it's Monday."