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Joke of the Day

"My 2-year-old ate the crust off her pizza but left the cheese and pepperoni untouched. Apparently I'm raising the Antichrist."

"I baby-proofed my apartment but they keep getting in."

"Are you a homeless horse? Because you look unstable."

"New rule: Confederate States don't get to pick who sings ""God Bless America"". We'll fly someone in from up north."

"Hey, little bird! Maybe you wouldn't have to move your head around so much looking for threats if you didn't make so much god damn noise!"

"A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.... Now that I've got your attention, BOOBIES!"

"Scientist: we've finally taught a dog Morse Code Dog: [taps paw] Me: what did it say? Scientist: ""woof"""

"""My husband had a heart attack while having sex with me."" ""I'm so sorry, ma'am. At least he died doing what he loved."""

"Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, ""Man it's hot in here"" The other muffin turns and screams"" Holy fuck a talking muffin!"""

"You know your girlfriend is too young when... ... you still have to make the airplane noise to get your cock in her mouth."