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Joke of the Day

"[dog park] Go get it, boy! *dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace* Ugh, you're the worst golden retriever ever"

"How do you stop a black guy from jumping on a bed? Put velcro on the ceiling."

"What's a pirates favorite letter? You may have thought 'Rrrr', but it's really the C"

"I can't remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals... ...fucking livid..."

"You know what I find odd? Every other number"

"Gandalf chuckled to himself as the boat left shore. ""I just noticed,"" he whispered, ""your name sounds like Dildo"" #LastLinesFromGreatBooks"

"I'm a lot like Jesus because I like wine and I tell people what to do."

"What's the difference between England and a tea bag? ...A tea bag stays in the cup longer! #FIFAWORLDCUPBRAZIL"

"What is the difference between a Muslim boy and Tim Cook? One doesn't get arrested to make shitty watches."

"McDonald's new Obama Value Meal is for freaks!!!"