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Joke of the Day

"Your mama is so ugly that... when she has sexual relations with an animal, it's not beastiality, it's animal cruelty."

"Me: I think we need to break up Her: Now is not a good time Me: Okay *we ride the rollercoaster in silence*"

"Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stomp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out the burning ducks."

"Left work, txted wife ""Coming homo."" Then I txted her ""Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo."""

"What comes after a 69?"

"The guy in front of me in line to get coffee was loudly complaining that he ""needed his fix"" and then ordered a soy iced mocha latte"

"People always tell me not to piss in the shower... ...but you know, it's difficult not to when you're taking a shit"

"I got 4,627 problems and 697 of them are toothpicks, 884 of them are threads on my pillow, 3,045 are leaves on these trees, and OCD is 1."

"Why do the Romans use more eggs in their omelets than the French? Because the Romans feel that when it comes to eggs, you can't have too many ovum. But in France, they believe that one egg is un ouef."

"Bless me, Father, for I have used Comic Sans. It's been eight weeks since my last use of Helvetica."