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Joke of the Day

"No, PSA, buzzed driving isn't drunk driving. Buzzed driving gets me home 51 weekends a year, drunk driving gets me home w/a fat chick."

"The Longest Joke In The World http://longestjokeintheworld.com/"

"Hey, Facebook. Dead people can't read your RIP shoutouts, because death."

"I didn't realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn't see it"

"Use promo code NETFLIX to get 50% off your next midterm or exam Title"

"There's a reason why baseball is America's favorite pastime. It's way past it's time of being relevant."

"A study showed that more women have vibrators than husbands. Just to play it safe, I'm teaching my penis to vibrate."

"A guy came to me at the bar the other day and said ""Hey bartender, I don't have much money so give me a cheap shot!"" . . I told him ""your mom is ugly and your breathe stinks"""

"I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it."

"If you don't want to be there today, just say ""I'm just here for the food and hopefully some good commercials. Also congrats on the wedding"""