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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a fart in the middle of the night? What do you call a fart in the mourning? A midnight snack A hot Breakfast"

"Just had to re-watch the Rousey v Nunes fight... Because it finished before I did"

"My friend from Mexico got bit by a mosquito.. he could not figure out why his American friend was not receiving bites as well. I told him the bugs were hungry for Mexican tonight."

"The NSA Agent Why couldn't the NSA agent leave the Russian airport? Because he got Snowden!"

"You know what's better than being married? Everything."

"Why is Dwayne ""The Rock"" Johnson always so sad? Everyone takes him for granite."

"How many Freudian analysts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to actually screw it in, and one to hold the ~~penis.~~ Edit: Ladder. One to hold the ladder."

"Today I have gone in a date, I got engaged, got a dog, moved into a new house, got pregnant, and got married. I love sims."

"[Pulled over] Sir do you know how fast you were going? MY DOG IS IN LABOR! Oh! In that case *scribbles* Here is a ticket for littering."

"Ways I'm like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will"