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Joke of the Day

"I like my women like I like my coffee. Pleasant and uplifting."

"WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote? ME: [bleeding profusely] So... not a dog"

"What do you bury a Jewish metalhead in? A Moshe pit!"

"[at interview] Her: In three words or less, tell me why we should hire you. Me: I'm good with numbers."

"A kid asks if they had colors in the 1930s. Yeah, but you didn't see them all the way in the back of the bus."

"I tried ""Netflix and chill?"" on my wife. We're now on season 3 of Gilmore Girls."

"My biggest regret of 2014? Probably when my husband watched ""The Notebook"" with me and then I yelled at him for not building me a house"

"What's it called when it's 9:20am and you can't wait for dinner? Oh, it's called fat. Nevermind."

"HILARY AND THE TRUTH Hilary Clinton saying she is going to tell the truth is like an atheist saying 'God bless you.'"

"The toilet bowl tells the bathtub... ""I've seen more ass than you ever had"". The Bathtub replied ""Yeah, but at least I don't take shit from everybody""."