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Joke of the Day

"[at interview] Her: In three words or less, tell me why we should hire you. Me: I'm good with numbers."

"I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now."

"What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka? A sorority."

"Got an extension cord, and moved the microwave right into bed with me. This 2015 is looking like a good one already."

"How many Romans does it take to screw in a light bulb? V."

"Just once, I'd like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt."

"Why does the Devil hate the holiday Season? Because he gets so many letters from dyslexic children."

"Who was the greatest prostitute of all time? Ms. Pacman. for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls until she died"

"What joke did drake get when talking to diddy? The punchline"

"Want to hear a joke about a jump rope? Nah let's just skip it."