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Joke of the Day

"""I'm not a violent person but people can change"", I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food."

"Q: What do you call a video of pedestrians? A: Footage."

"Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they're eating this luscious grass."

"My life sucks I've got a less-than-minimum-wage job, my best friend has no brain, my neighbor is an asshole, my boss is a stingy bitch, and the worst part... #I live in a pineapple under the sea."

"That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology."

"If Jenny has 215 coins in one hand and 412 coins in the other,what does Jenny have? 5 days to live."

"i feel like a hundred bucks! *my soul erupts with the strength of 100 wild male deers*"

"What do you call a woman who's not wearing underwear? A barracuchi."

"if you ask an undercover cop what the hills are alive with, he legally has to say ""the sound of music"" or else it's von trappment"

"I went to Thailand... Saw a hot girl in the bar. I kept telling myself ""don't get a erection, don't get a erection"". After 5 mins, it happened.. She got a erection"