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Joke of the Day

"For Easter, I will hide pieces of IKEA furniture all over the house and then have my kid assemble it. If she succeeds, she gets chocolate."

"The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher."

"I saw a boat with a sign that said ""For Sale"" so I added an ""ing"" to the end. Fucking idiots are lucky I came along."

"I bet when you go to hell they make you wear your hair like you did in 5th grade"

"How are dumb blondes like peanut butter? They spread for the bread"

"Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It's going to be a long night."

"To do list:nn1) Kill the fly in my room. nn2) Try to snort multivitamins.nn3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.nn4) Kill the fly's loved ones."

"How do you separate the Greek boys from the Greek men at a Greek BBQ? With a Crowbar!!!!!"

"Bread -mummy I'm tired of always eating bread from yesterday! When will we eat bread that was made TODAY? -tomorrow darling."

"JESUS: Happy Father's Day, Joe. [hands over present] JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it- [present is empty] [Jesus and God hi-5]"