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Joke of the Day

"I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice."

"Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people? Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you."

"After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks."

"Why did the farmer start a punk rock band? He was tired of Haulin' Oats"

"I was going to make a joke about relaxing meditation techniques... ...but zen again, maybe I won't."

"George Soros is a big reason im voting for Hillary! His voting machines didn't really give me a choice."

"My friend is nuts. He thinks he's Bugs Bunny. But I'm positive he isn't. How do you know he isn't? Because I am."

"Bigger Breasts Wife: ""How can I make my breasts bigger?"" Husband: ""Just rub toilet paper between them"" Wife: ""Why would that work?"" Husband: ""It worked on your butt"""

"*wife gives me a big hug before I leave for work* I love you too, babe! [later] Where's my credit card? Son of a.."

"A STD You Can Get From Performing After performing, what STD did the performer get from the audience? **The Clap**"