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Joke of the Day

"*wife gives me a big hug before I leave for work* I love you too, babe! [later] Where's my credit card? Son of a.."

"If you like someone and don't know if they like you, just sue them and then ask them under oath if they think you're cute."

"Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism."

"Being a parent is the opposite of the Jenny Craig diet. ""I gained 20lbs & all I did was eat small portions of my toddlers leftover dinner."""

"The chicken Why did the chicken cross the road? He didn't. He was to chicken."

"What do you call a migrant in space? illegal alien"

"Somewhere in this world, a woman is giving birth to a baby every 3 seconds. We have to find this woman and stop her."

"Q: Why did the eskimo wash his clothes in Tide? A: Because it was too cold outside."

"Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!"

"When your boss says ""you're getting a little behind,"" he won't appreciate it when you wink and say ""been working out-thanks for noticing."""