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Joke of the Day

"I was at work trying to come up with a joke about drills bits... ...but they were all too boring."

"I just spent 45 seconds deciding which Instagram filter to use for a screenshot of a text message. So, yeah, my life's going great."

"I was gonna tell a pedophile joke but I always come in a little behind."

"Preferred way to connect with me (ranked most to least): 1. Text 2. Twitter DM 3. Email 4. Phone 5. Climb through my window 6. LinkedIn"

"What's the hardest part about cooking a vegetable? Fitting the wheelchair in the oven."

"What should you do if you find the corpse of a raped woman in the woods? Check your bearings, you're going in circles."

"Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth."

"A British Major is stationed in the desert with his troops..."

"Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Twitter. ""...you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave..."""

"Ban land mines now! It's time to put our foot down."