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Joke of the Day

"[kidnapper hands wife phone] ""brent"" BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED"

"I would complain about the siren of an ambulance even if I was in the back of it."

"The recipe said to crush the garlic So I told it, ""You'll never amount to anything!"""

"I was born caesarean. You can't really tell, although, whenever I leave the house I go out through the window."

"How many more spills do you think parents in paper towel commercials can take before they just push one of those kids down the stairs?"

"[black jack] DEALER: 14 ME: hit me D: 16 M: hit me D: 23 M: hit me D: M: D: M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged"

"I tried out to be a porn actor today, I was told I was under-qualified."

"My girlfriend started smoking... ...so I slowed down and applied lubricant."

"Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse but has the courage to get on again and continue riding? A: Bach in the saddle again."

"Why couldn't anyone help the tortilla? He didn't want to taco 'bout it"