117311

Joke of the Day

"I don't wish anybody dead, but a well placed nasty rash on you would kind of make my day."

"4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work? Me: No, I have to listen to my boss. 4: Mom is at your work?"

"Rather than trying to ""change"" your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine"

"What do you call an Alligator in a vest? An Investigator"

"ME: I can't find my sandals WIFE: did you look everywhere? ME: yes WIFE: even down ME: yes even dowI did not put those on"

"When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it's worse than being included on a group text."

"Before college, I didn't know what I was doing with my life, but now I'm confident I have no idea what I'm doing."

"Are my undies showing? [""No.""] ""Would you like them to?"""

"What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon? The saddest vegetable known to man: a melonccoli."

"What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler ? Michael can actually finish a race off.."