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Joke of the Day

"Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving."

"""IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE ""THE ROCK"" JOHNSON"" *the rock beats chest* AND IN THIS CORNER... RYAN ""PAPER"" WALLACE *the rock is visibly nervous*"

"Boss: Why do you have rashes every time you get your salary? Employee: I am allergic to peanuts."

"My friend told me to let loose and be reckless today so I walked really fast with a bowl full of hot soup."

"*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree"

"Why couldn't Bach be a rapper? Because he's Baroque."

"What do you call it when you are looking for your Subaru Forrester in a parking garage? Finding Forrester"

"What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire? How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)"

"I'm my biggest critic. I'm my strongest critic. I'm my tallest critic. I'm my prettiest critic. who's a good critic. yes you. whose a good c"

"Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question."