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Joke of the Day

"I only have two feelings, it's either ""I'm hungry"" or ""I shouldn't have eaten this much"""

"[touching face upon receiving compliment] Glad you like it. But, it's not a teardrop tattoo. It's an Oxford comma."

"Man goes to the doctor ""Doc, doc, the area around the entrance on my butt is a little itchy"" ""I think you mean the exit........."""

"Which Hollywood actress has made sure all sci-fi movies like alien; ghostbusters; avatar & chappie are ""woven"" together? Sigourney ""Weaver"" :P"

"I stepped on an ant hill today and realized I had probably killed a lot of innocent ants. I also killed all the ant rapists so, I'm a hero."

"When I get in a crowded elevator I can't stop myself from trying to guess everybody's weight."

"Two peanuts were walking down the street One was a salted."

"Don't go to zombie nightclubs... They're always dead."

"Why aren't there any homosexual scholars? Because they can't think straight."

"I really like the concept of train tickets. It's an idea I could get onboard with."