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Joke of the Day

"I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokemon I've caught."

"People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it."

"That's disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don't wipe boogers on Mommy's pillow! Wipe it on Daddy's"

"[tweets about one side of an issue to my followers who all agree with me already] hell yes I'm making a difference"

"Shakespeare was a good sport... He ended all his sonnets with gg."

"I'm giving up alcohol for a month. Wait, that came out wrong. I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month."

"What's black and white and red all over? A bioracial double homocide."

"How many guys in the friend zone does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they just stand around and compliment it and get pissed off when it doesn't screw."

"When punching a toddler, how hard is too hard? Calm down... I'm not talking about MY kid. I know how hard to punch her. I'm her mother."

"My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn't need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!"