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Joke of the Day

"For once in my life, I'd just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank."

"How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I'm serious! That Israeli how he does it!"

"I'll never forget my grandfather's last words ... ""Stop shaking the fucking ladder you little cunt!"""

"Always helpful... Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot."

"Inspired by a recent ELI5: ""Why is milk measured in gallons and soda in litres"", I present this oldie... Q: What comes in quarts? . . A: Elephants"

"Did r/jokes hear about the new Taco Bell Express yet? You give them 99c, and they throw a burrito in the toilet for you."

"Scarface didn't really give those guys enough time to say ""hello"" before shooting them."

"Why did the tree look pissed off all the time? It had Resting Birch Face."

"What did the pirate pirate say on his 80th birthday? ""I can't believe I'm still illegally downloading movies at this age!"""

"What do you call 1000 Jews on a train? It doesn't matter, they're never coming back."