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Joke of the Day

"Good joke [SERIOUS] ^ title"

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"""Are you seeing anyone?"" Me: lately I've been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision. Floaty thing: We're just friends."
"I hope that Senator Franken runs for President in 2020 and picks Jill Stein as his running mate That'd be a real Franken/Stein ticket"
"Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don't you take a ""how to eat sandwiches without choking"" course?"
"This morning I made my coffee with an energy drink instead of water. Fifteen minutes on the highway later I realized I forgot my car in the garage."
"How Are Women And Rocks Alike? You Skip The Flat Ones."
"What's worse than male chauvinists? Women who don't shut up."
"I hate it when people call me contrary. I am *not* contrary!"
"Why is a Christmas tree like a bridegroom? After the big day, its balls are the first thing to come off."
"Jesus walks into a hotel He throws a bag of nails on the counter and says: ""Can you put me up for the night?"""