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Joke of the Day

"""Are you seeing anyone?"" Me: lately I've been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision. Floaty thing: We're just friends."

"Meets girl at bar. Takes her to Ikea. Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand."

"Ok Reddit, I'll be signing off to take my girlfriend home... ...and I'm back, didn't take long to put my hand in my pocket."

"Q: What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant? A: ""Dead ant Dead Ant ... Dead ant Dead Ant .. Dead Ant"" (to the tune of Pink Panther theme)."

"What's another name for a prosthetic patella? Faux-knee"

"Hey rappers on twitter, saying ""LOL"" in every tweet is about as gangster as two dolphins sitting on a rainbow tongue kissing"

"What did the cervix say when the penis asked about the sex party? If you're in, hymen!"

"Unless it's that scary chick from The Ring, I really don't care who is in the restroom with me."

"all pans are no-stick pans if you no-cook in them."

"A guy runs into a bar at light speed and asks the bartender for whatever's on tap. Thirty seconds later, the bartender asks he wants to drink."