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Joke of the Day

"My piss looks and smells like gasoline this morning. My piss does impersonations of other liquids. That's talented piss."

"[in basement lab] wife: you cant just make your own honey me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa."

"Police Officer: ""Turn around!"" Me: *sings* ""Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round..."""

"""I'm telling you, it's all or nothing,"" the exterminator explains to Noah, ""I can't just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn't work like that."""

"I asked my friend ""Do you know any other word for a big rock?"" He said ""Boulder?"" I said **""Do you know any other word for a big rock?""**"

"I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you're scrolling on your phone"

"Did you hear about the woman with 12 breasts? Sounds crazy, dozen tit?"

"Why do farts smell? So the deaf can enjoy them."

"Ted Cruz is complaining about ""liberal fascism,"" so I guess he's just stringing random unrelated words together, like ""potato doorknob."""

"Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore."