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Joke of the Day

"People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences. It's like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi."

"Have you heard about Polish Roulette? It's played exactly the same way as Russian Roulette, except with a semi-automatic pistol."

"A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police He's now a seasoned veteran."

"My toddler was arrested today at kindergarten during nap time. He was charged with resisting a rest."

"I can't believe Earth is 2017 years old! ...plus a couple billion years..."

"Me: *braids girl's hair* Girl: *turns around, terrified* Me: The movie was boring me... *leans back in seat* *eats popcorn*"

"*throws up gang signs* ""Ew gross, I don't remember eating that."""

"MISSING: SUPER ADORABLE PUPPY. WILL COME IF YOU PLAY WU-TANG HELLA LOUD. THIS IS NOT A PLOY TO GET THE NEIGHBORHOOD BUMPIN', THE DOG IS REAL"

"What is the fastest speed a woman can go ? 68, because when she turns 69 she blows a rod."

"Kurt Cobain shot himself because he couldn't live with the guilt of drowning 18 babies to get 1 usable photo for an album cover."