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Joke of the Day

"I'm a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job."

"Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice."

"What's the difference between a dirty old bus station and a lobster with boobs? One's a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean."

"Who was the chicken's favorite musician? Bach."

"We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!"

"You know I was thinking about not getting fat, But I really had a lot on my plate at the time.."

"Today there was an explosion in my kitchen... I combined pasta with antipasta."

"Just ate McDonalds after working out, which is the same as taking a shit after a shower."

"My Grandpa said to me the other day, ""Your generation relies too much on technology"" I replied, "" no your generation relies too much on technology"" then I unplugged his life support. Stupid asshole"

"It looks like I'm missing a lot of tweets. They were probably so great the Library of Congress just couldn't wait to archive them."