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Joke of the Day

"""This is NPR."" Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo."

"I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster."

"Scientists are coming closer to unlocking the secret to why the average American owns 40 pairs of jeans but only wears 3 or 4 of them."

"A Jewish daughter asks her Jewish dad for forty dollars to go to the movies... the dad says: ""Thirty dollars?! what do you need twenty five dollars for?!"""

"What is another name for sunscreen? SOLution"

"I'm okay with ""lol"", I'm cool with ""omg"", I even tolerate ""rofl"", but ""smh"" needs to gtfo."

"My girlfriend walked up and said she is expecting... me to lose weight."

"My daughter just said, ""Daddy, you're good looking & not fat like other dads."" She's only 10, but we're headed to the BMW dealership now."

"Politics informs every aspect of my life. It affects how much money I have, how I spend it, and my work itself. Sorry, not politics. Pokemon"

"Why do Zelda and Link smoke weed? Because they live in the kingdom where the hyrule."