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Joke of the Day

"JON: What should I do with these extra mustard packs? MARY: Just stuff 'em in the Lazy Susan. SUSAN: Hey, I'm right here! (*remains seated*)"

"In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am."

"Men taking pictures of their outfits on Instagram is why we will lose the next World War."

"I went hardcore camping last weekend. Let's just say, it was intense."

"Me: ... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: ... Me: .. Dog: .. Me: ... Dog: .. Me: .. Dog: .. Me: ... Dog: ... (Women, take note *ahem* Man's best friend)"

"Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket"

"I was going to write a joke about the pentagon... But I gave up when I couldn't find the right angle."

"When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. ... ... not screaming in terror like his passengers."

"What do you get when you mix a helicopter and a rhino? Hell if I know."

"East and West Germany In West Germany your job determines your Marks. In East Germany Marx determines your job."