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Joke of the Day

"1. Tattoo ""I'M WATCHING YOU"" on your shaved head. 2. Grow hair and wait for daughter's boyfriend to come over. 3. Shave head in front of him"

"I'm so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out"

"I've been sleeping with my pocket knife these days... It fucking hurts!"

"Why did the tomato blush red? Because it saw salad dressing! :D Just like I saw your mom dressing Cause she's a skank Come at me, Reddit. Come at me"

"What is it that is yours , but others use it more than you ? Your name"

"It's all fun and games until your iPhone is at 10% power."

"Someone once told me my best features were my smile and personality If I don't have a mouth I'm fucked"

"Where do terrorists go to get a bite to eat? the Allahu snack-bar."

"CW: I spent all weekend raking leaves. Me: I don't rake. CW: Leaves will kill your grass! Me: I wonder how grass survived before humans."

"My girlfriend is like a lawnmower... Everyone is asking to borrow her."