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Joke of the Day

"That moment where you playfully punch a kid in the grocery store, and only afterwards realize it wasn't yours."

"Why was 7 arrested for homicide? Because somebody divided 14 into 2 and he was the prime suspect"

"Women are just like an oven before you stick any cake batter in them, you have to preheat."

"When my wife asked me to stop being a flamingo.. I had to put my foot down"

"Have you ever had sex in the forest? It's fucking in tents."

"What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak."

"So I am not signing up for my company's 401K... There is no way I could ever run that far."

"My son, 5, scared of the thunder. I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all. Think that helped."

"Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?"

"I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval."