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Joke of the Day

"*sees a fly* ahhh *trying to swat fly* nooo *gives up* well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol FLY: *hands me a tiny check* ME: wat the"

"A world renowned chef undercooked the meat It was a rare misteak"

"I didn't think housework is a full-time job, so for Thanksgiving my wife served me a raw turkey. Revenge is a dish best served cold."

"My friend Phillip had his Lip removed... so now we just call him Phil."

"What do Viagra and Disney World have in common? A one-hour wait for a two-minute ride"

"What vegetable has the most sexual self-control? The cuecummer!"

"I want to do an essay on chronology and hand it in late... ... so the professor can say ""it's about time!"""

"Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album. Don't be an enabler. Drop the phone."

"What's the difference between a Hoover and a Harley? The position of the dirtbag."

"My girlfriend's daughter was laying across my legs. Me: What am I a pillow now? Her: Yep, and pillows don't talk. I think we're bonding."