215019

Joke of the Day

"Smoke detectors, feel free to use that last bit of battery life to continue monitoring fires instead of getting all beepy."

"I ended up in jail the other night and the guys across from me had glued themselves together... It was very confusing."

"I don't know what it is, but there is something strangely sexy about the way my grandad gets down doggystyle so I can wipe him. nevermind."

"A charity single has been released in aid of Pakistan flood relief... Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed."

"I try to fill the void in my life with food... But it always goes to shit."

"What is the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on"

"What do you call a cookie without legs? A cookie"

"Hubs: If you could sleep with... Me: THOR!!! Hubs: ...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. Me: Ohhhh..."

"Matthew McConaughay is for Matthew McConaughorses"

"When i was young my mom used to put food on the spoon.. and sing ""train is coming, train is coming""... I'd always eat cause i knew if i didn't, she wouldn't untie me from the railway line."