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Joke of the Day

"It's like my Mom used to say, always keep a positive pregnancy test around in case you need to ruin a man's life."

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"Where do the Russian separatists go to complain about their lives? Crimea River"
"[at the race] ""RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK"" Mark: ouch!"
"If 5 slaves had an orgy in the 1800's. . . Would it be considered a three-way?"
"What do you call a man with no arms and legs that falls into a body of water? Bob."
"I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house"
"What did the Calendar say to the Wall-clock the moment it became June 1st? ""I am dismayed!"""
"ME: want anything for breakfast? BOSS: just banana [struggling to hold office door shut] ANA: let me in! ME: sorry boss said to ban you"
"Today I saw a guy driving around with upward of 10 parking tickets on his windshield. Now what were you saying about not giving a fuck?"
"A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages"