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Joke of the Day

"[at the race] ""RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK"" Mark: ouch!"

"I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, ""WAIT, THERE'S DONUTS?"" and I say, ""Sorry, last one!"" and then eat it."

"Who would win a football game between the 1989 Raiders and a team full of U2 lead singers? Bonos."

"You know you're a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you. Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me."

"I really wanted to watch Jurassic World this weekend but... Life...uh...got in the way."

"ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal] WAITER: please stop touching me"

"Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush"

"What is the worst joke you ever heard?"

"Life is like toilet paper you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole."

"What do you call a Russian on a golf course? Vladimir Puttin'"