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Joke of the Day

"I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house"

"How are men like noodles? They are always in hot water they lack taste and they need dough."

"Students, unfollow me now. Tonight's drunk subtweets might sting a little. Especially you Britney. Your lab report was a pile of dog shit."

"TIL I have something in common with Russell Wilson. [We're both not having sex with Ciara](http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/football/russell-wilson-ciara-aren-sex-article-1.2283745)"

"Teen for rent: Knows everything, does nothing."

"I just found out my father's sister doesn't like Jewish people. Its hard to believe I have a relative who is auntie semitic."

"How do you circumcise a hillbilly? You kick his sister in the chin"

"""you yelled 'this is not my daddy!' when i picked you up to leave the store. you're lucky i let you live"" -how dad signs my birthday cards"

"What did the boob say to the other? ""You're my breastfriend"" *Badumm Tits*"

"I hate when her husband comes home early. She says I'm the pool boy. And I spend the next few hours cleaning the pool. This is BULLSH!T!"