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Joke of the Day

"My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter. Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like."

"I would tell you a butter joke... But you would probably just spread it."

"Me: A coworker called me 'Papa Hemingway' today. Her: Because of your beard? Me: Well it wasn't because of my Nobel in Literature."

"Press 1 for English. Press 2 for spanish. Press 1 and 2 at the same time for the latest Pitbull song"

"If Abraham Lincoln were alive today he'd probably run a really good blog about top hats and play bass in a Grateful Dead cover band."

"What do you call a hooker laying down? Whorizontal. Thanks, I'll show myself out."

"Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug! Jabba: *speaks Huttese* C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem."

"How Does Moses Make His Tea? Hebrews it"

"Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can't wait."

"What comes after a 69?"