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Joke of the Day

"I can't sleep in my bed anymore, my mind races thinking of all the stupid stuff I've done in the past. Stupid memory foam..."

"So many people want to hit me for my jokes, they have to stand in a punch line."

"What do you call a german who is afraid of enclosed spaces? Klaustrophobic"

"What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery driver have in common? It's okay to smell it, but if you eat it you're gonna get fired."

"*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache CW: *hands me 5 Advil* Woah there brother I'm not about to OD here, 2 will do"

"Justin Bieber has grown a mustache. His transformation into a teenage mexican girl is now complete."

"Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What've you got?"

"this guy said i had a chip on my shoulder. i looked over and saw a bowl of salsa on his. i knew right then kids. your father was my soulmate"

"Why can't the T-rex clap its hands? Because it's dead."

"Captain Ahab's crew were highly efficient sailors In fact, they were running like a whale oiled machine."