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Joke of the Day

"How many Vietnam Veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb? YOU WEREN'T THERE MAN!"

"What do you call an attraction to your own mummy? A dedipus complex."

"My girlfriend told me I was one in a million When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right."

"I can fit the lyrics of the song 'Uptown Funk' into any conversation that I have... Don't believe me? Just watch!"

"Why are there commentators for televised sports? We can figure out what's going on live, but can't while watching it on tv?"

"I'm pretty sure Kanye West is the reason why we arent allowed to retweet our own tweets."

"What do dyslexic zombies eat? Brians."

"[press session regarding increase in shark bites] Reporter: Are there more attacks in one area? Scientist: [lips against mic] In the water"

"Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife is dead."

"Why was purple jealous? Because red blue green."