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Joke of the Day

"I just saw 30 seconds of Glee and now I'm gay. Send glitter."

"Boss: I've been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise *everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*"

"what's common between a puppy and a good book ? both are easy to pick up but hard to put down"

"PSA: Don't get a cheap circumcision. Usually, it's a rip-off."

"I hate double standards. If a baby crawls around, it's ""adorable,"" but if I do, I'm ""causing a disturbance"" and ""need to leave""? Whatever."

"What did the hurricane say to Hillary? I didn't know disasters can run for office"

"""Please go to voicemail. Please go to voicemail. Please go to voicemail."" - me making a phone call"

"ME: isn't this great?? WIFE: not really ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what's wrong"

"You're more likely to find something when you're not looking for it. Right now, I'm not looking for a bunch of cash. I hope this shit works."

"So I bought some shoes off my drug dealer. And I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day."