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Joke of the Day

"Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00! *Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume."

"What do you call a horny asian woman? Actually, I'm not going to finish that. It's a slippery slope."

"Why do fish always sing off key? Because you can't tune a fish. Say it outloud if you don't get it. I made this one up in first grade IIRC."

"Why was Crassus bad at insults? He never really got the hang of Parthian shots."

"I bought a chilli dog and a thumb drive at a gas station... Ya know, for shits and gigs."

"What type of bagel can fly? A plain bagel!"

"""Did you sign the nondisclosure agreement?"" ""To not disclose what?"" ""So I guess you DID sign the agreement!"""

"I just won $1,000,000, and I've decided to give a quarter to charity. Now I have $999,999.75."

"Whats the difference between New York and Middle Earth? Two towers."

"I love Clint Westwood easterns. Especially The Bad, the Good and the Handsome."