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Joke of the Day

"I'm going to a birthday party in Charlotte tomorrow... Hopefully the looting isn't over because I forgot to buy a present."

"How do you know when you're turning 40? When your candy jar is filled with Tums..... My wife just came up with that one... Birthday is next week.. Ugh"

"How do you know tickle me Elmo is male? Because before he leaves the factory they give him two test tickles."

"It's taking Arby's forever to fry my salad."

"My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006."

"*puts dreamcatcher above bed* ""Sure hope this works"" *wakes up in the middle of the night* *Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher* ""YES"""

"DAD: Your mother and I love you very much, and I'm not sure how to tell you this, but... you're adopted. DOG: OMG THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE"

"""Wow you're one of the nicest old ladies I've ever met!""- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear"

"My new wifi password: Whatsawifi Enter DWMC-esque dude/sweet scene."

"is this already a joke? Why don't pastry chefs buy taylor made cigarettes? Because they profiterole their own"