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Joke of the Day

"""Wow you're one of the nicest old ladies I've ever met!""- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear"

"I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy. ""Making breakfast. ;)"" ""Walking the dog. ;)"" ""Broke in to your house ;)"""

"Rick Astley is willing to let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, with one exception. He's never gonna give you Up."

"What are the five white things on a nigger? His teeth, his eyes, his nails, his palms and...his owner!"

"They should make a Minecraft movie It would be a blockbuster."

"I love vending machines because I can see exactly where my food is coming from."

"How do you spot a egocentric vocalist? They warm up singing, 'Mi, mi, mi.... Mi!'"

"A roman centurion walks into a bar... He holds up two fingers and says: ""Five beers, please."""

"I was making a graph of my past relationships. First I drew the Ex axis then the Why axis. Full disclosure: I saw this in yik yak thought is share it here. :)"

"[blind date] OK don't let her know you're a remote control ""Your eyes are beau- *sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks* DAMMIT NOT AGAIN"