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Joke of the Day

"I think my wife has a surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed."

"Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain]"

"What's the difference in a voyeur and a thief? A thief snatches your watch..."

"What did the NSA agent say to the other NSA agent when he saw the German Chancellor? I'd tap that."

"If I learned anything about politics from this election It's that politics isn't about the ass you kiss but the pussy you grab"

"So.. So a dyslectic man walks into a bra..."

"Me: Go to bed 5-year-old: One more question Me: Fine 5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter? Me 5: Me: Get some coffee"

"How many of those brownies did you eat, private? ""All of them sir!"" ""That was my stash private."" ""Negative sir it was labeled private!"""

"I didn't spend years perfecting this blank, vacant expression so you could mistake me for someone who cares, lady..."

"Life is like a box of chocolate... ... it doesn't last very long for fat people."