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Joke of the Day

"GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle? BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I'm just a regular eagle actually"

"What do you call a Mexican who lost his car? Carlos!!"

"What are the magic words for making a spoiled asparagus edible? Impairagus Repairagus"

"*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out* Kid: But that means- *Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*"

"Why couldn't the laptop go to sleep? Because it has two shifts."

"What's thick, black, and over a foot long? My roommate's asian girlfriend's hair clogging the fucking shower drain."

"I stuck a firecracker up the cats butt! Mommy: Tommy, it's rectum. Tommy: I'll say it rectum! It blew 'em all to hell!"

"Just changed my dating profile headline to: ""Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives"" ...crossing my fingers"

"My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I'm ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!"

"What's a Scottish transsexual's favourite drink? Mango Lassi"