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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a Mexican who lost his car? Carlos!!"

"A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do"

"MY DENTIST ASKED HIS ASSISTANT TO SUCTION (THE WATER OUT OF MY MOUTH)BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING TO ME SO I SUCKED HIS FINGER. IM MORTIFIED"

"holy crap a guy actually gave me his number and i didn't know what to do so i panicked and sent him a picture of a dead bird?"

"Me: You've dimmed the lights already, aren't we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen."

"Mortal: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you? God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny? God: Just a second."

"I posed naked for a magazine today... Although from the reaction I got, I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money."

"*leads horse to water* ""You're not gonna drink, are you?"" *horse neighs* ""It's The Fountain of Eternal Youth."" Horse: You're not foaling me."

"A Disney joke not for the kids ""How many thingamabobs does Ariel have?"" 20? ""Twenty-*one*. She got the last one when she wished for legs."""

"What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common? A 1 in 3,000,000 chance of becoming a human being."