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Joke of the Day

"Hurricane Sandy I asked my bartender for a Hurricane Sandy. She looked confused and asked, ""What is that?"" I replied, ""A watered down Manhattan."""

"Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside Wife: What's wron- Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE [a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]"

"I get a little too excited when I hear the sound of sizzling fajitas go by."

"How do you install ""blackout curtains""? They just get hammered."

"It's like trying run the BostonMarathon with Siamese Twins... They're both pulling in different directions"

"Guess what my lonesome self and my right hand did for Valentines day. Sign Valentines cards for my relatives."

"Why do teenage girls travel in odd numbered groups? Because they can't even."

"What did Adele's chicken say? Hello from the other side..."

"[Twister] DOG 1: left paw green DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY"

"What concert cost 45 cents? 50 cent featuring Nickleback."