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Joke of the Day

"Guess what my lonesome self and my right hand did for Valentines day. Sign Valentines cards for my relatives."

"A husband says to his wife, ""What would you do if I won Lotto?"" She says, ""I'd take half, then leave you."" ""Excellent,"" he replies, ""I won $12, here's $6 - now fuck off!"""

"Next time, instead of complaining about how bad you have it, think about other people, and how to make things bad for them."

"Only God can judge me. *gets hit by lightning*"

"11: You know what would be really ironic? Me: No, what? 11: If someone died in their...living room. The Twitter is strong in this one."

"Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion? I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed."

"You can put Hillary Clinton supporters into two baskets. The basket of adorables, and the basket of deportables."

"Gays are leading the fight against overpopulation and we need to join them in this fight before it's too late! But first..."

"What did the blind deaf kid get for Christmas? Cancer."

"Why did the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong socks today."