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Joke of the Day

"Masturbation: It *comes in hand*y."

"How does Hitler turn on his lights? Aulightschwitz."

"[at wedding] Is there any reason why these two shouldn't be wed? * me yelling * SHE THINKS WOLVERINE COULD BEAT PREDATOR *pianist vomits*"

"How do you know if Helen Keller just masturbated? She spits when she talks."

"What is the Asian firefighter's favorite song? The Sound of Sirens"

"Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a good chat. Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box."

"Why did Moohamad eat his wives out so much? Allah spoke the kuran to him through the bush."

"Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don't like."

"Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I'm tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella."

"Me: Why am I suddenly sick? Friend: Probably the change in the Weather [earlier] Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*"