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Joke of the Day

"For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive. I think I'm being stalked"

"Knock-knock. Who's there? No, he's on first."

"[3am] *nudges wife* No way the old guy blew up all those balloons in Up in 1 night. Honey, you awake? I mean he's like a million years old."

"A blind man enters a fishmarket... ""Hello Ladies"""

"My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. ""If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?"" Diabetes?"

"What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass."

"The best place to have a third nipple is on the palm of your hand so when you shake hands with someone you can sue for sexual harassment."

"What do you say to a one legged hitch hiker hop in"

"My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She's in the shower & I'm wondering when she realizes it's Sunday. This is beautiful."

"Cw: you have a call holding M: put it in my voicemail Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent M: hiiii this is Jennifer"