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Joke of the Day

"What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint. What else smells like blue paint? Solvent abuse rehab"

"I can't wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don't have a boyfriend ""because I'm such a pretty girl"". I'm a psycho, grandma."

"[call] MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm. ME: idgaf about snow i'm a gangster. MOM: what? ME: i said thanks for calling i love you."

"What did one orphan say to the other? ""Robin! Get in the batmobile"""

"I am part of the 1% Well, at least my cell phone battery is."

"Where does the president keep his armies? In his sleavies."

"ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits :("

"What brings the monster's babies? The Frankenstork."

"I'm going to open up an opticians that also sells jewellery and handbags It'll be called Assess your eyes."

"[movie theater] TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go.....to protect what he loves ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet"